Parents are meant to love, guide, and support us. However, not every parent-child relationship feels like a safe space. Sometimes, the very people who are supposed to protect us end up being the ones who leave us feeling drained, guilty, or never quite good enough.
You may find yourself walking on eggshells, doubting your emotions, or questioning your worth because of how they react. This doesn’t always mean they are bad people, but certain patterns in parenting can become deeply toxic and leave lasting emotional scars without us even realizing it until much later in life.
What Does Toxic Parenting Look Like?
Toxic parenting isn’t always loud or obvious. It’s not just about yelling or harsh punishments. In many cases, it’s reflected in behaviors like constant criticism, guilt-tripping, or holding back appreciation. It’s when a child has to work hard to earn their parents’ love, and it’s not given freely.
Nine out of ten times, toxic parents don’t even realize the impact of their behavior. They may believe they’re doing what’s best for their children, but they end up projecting their own fears, trauma, frustrations, or unmet expectations onto them.
And the child grows up carrying burdens that were never theirs to begin with.
So, let’s break down a few signs of toxic parents and what their behavior might look like.
1. Constant Guilt-Tripping
Toxic parents often use guilt as a tool to get what they want. They keep reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and make you feel selfish for making your own choices or setting boundaries. It can feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough, and you start to believe you’re responsible for their emotions, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You might hear things like:
- “Oh, so now you’re too busy for the person who raised you?”
- “If I hadn’t sacrificed everything, you wouldn’t even be where you are.”
2. Comparison to Others
They constantly compare you to siblings, cousins, or outsiders — not to motivate you, but to make you feel like you’re not good enough. Instead of recognizing your individual strengths, they highlight what others are doing “right” and what you’re doing “wrong,” leaving you questioning your worth.
They say things like:
- “Look at your cousin, she’s already married and settled.”
- “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”
3. Dismissing Your Emotions
Another clear sign of toxicity from your parents is when they constantly undermine or brush off your feelings. Whenever you try to open up, they either shut you down or make you feel like you’re overreacting. Instead of validating your emotions, they may compare you to others, saying things like how someone else is “stronger” or “less sensitive,” making you feel weak or ashamed for simply expressing yourself.
This kind of response teaches children that their emotions don’t matter, and in time, they may stop sharing how they feel altogether.
4. Playing the Victim
One classic trait of a toxic person is their tendency to make themselves the victim in almost every situation. Whether it’s with their children, relatives, spouse, or colleagues, they always seem to be the ones who were wronged, while others are painted as the problem. Dealing with someone like this is emotionally exhausting because they rarely take responsibility and often twist the story to make you feel guilty or at fault.
And when it’s your parents who constantly play the victim, it becomes even harder to speak up because, whenever you try to open up thinking they’ll understand your feelings, you end up being made to feel like the villain for even bringing it up.
For example, they try to guilt-trip you by saying, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you talk to me?”
5. Disrespecting Boundaries
They enter your room without knocking, interfere in your relationships, or demand to know everything. It’s like personal space is a foreign concept to them. And when you try to explain that you’re not okay with their constant meddling or that they should at least ask before going through your things, they become defensive and start justifying their behavior by saying things like:
- “You can’t keep secrets from me; I’m your parent.”
- “This is my house, and I’ll do whatever I want.”
- “What do you even need privacy for?”
6. Criticizing Your Choices
Whether it’s your career, friends, clothes, or lifestyle, toxic parents always have something negative to say, usually masked as ‘advice.’
For example:
- “I don’t like this person you’re dating, you should stop seeing them.”
- “Are you seriously going out dressed like that? or You’re fat, you shouldn’t be wearing that.”
What might seem like concern is often constant disapproval in disguise. See, the thing is, healthy people, especially your parents, normally don’t operate like that. Even if they think you’re making a mistake or about to mess something up, they don’t jump straight to criticism. Instead, they talk, ask, and guide you without making you feel small or judged.
7. Using Support as Control
Toxic parents may offer help, but it often comes with strings attached. Their support, whether financial, emotional, or practical, is used as leverage to make you feel indebted or obligated. Instead of offering it freely, they remind you of it constantly, expecting obedience or loyalty in return. If you refuse to listen to them or disagree with them, they may even threaten to take that support away as punishment.
For example:
- “I won’t pay another penny if you keep making these stupid decisions.”
- “Don’t forget who’s paying your bills.”
8. Minimizing Your Achievements
They struggle to acknowledge your accomplishments without adding a “but” to it. Instead of celebrating your progress, they focus on what you didn’t do or how someone else did it better. It can leave you feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never quite enough.
This constant downplaying of your achievements can have a lasting impact on your confidence & self-esteem, especially when it comes from someone whose approval you’ve always wanted.
For example:
- “Only 85? What happened to the other 15 marks?”
- “That’s nice, but when are you going to get a real job?”
9. Constantly Talking About Your Flaws
Toxic parents often focus more on what’s “wrong” with you than what’s right. Whether it’s your appearance, habits, or personality, they never miss a chance to point out your shortcomings. Even in casual conversations, they bring up your flaws as if they’re facts everyone should agree with.
The sad thing is, they become so used to highlighting your flaws that even when you hit a milestone in your education or career, they won’t stop bringing up the times you failed.
For example:
- “Oh wow, a promotion? Hopefully, you won’t mess this one up like you did last time.”
- “Yeah, but remember when you almost flunked your exams two years ago?”
10. Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
Instead of being direct about what’s bothering them, toxic parents often use sarcasm, silent treatment, or backhanded comments to express their disapproval. They won’t say it to your face, but they’ll make sure you “get the message.” This kind of behavior leaves you second-guessing everything because the anger is there, just never fully spoken out loud.
And the worst part is that when you call them out, they say you’re overthinking or being too sensitive.
For example:
- “Wow, it must be nice to live your own life and forget your parents.”
- “Sure, go have fun. Don’t worry about us sitting here alone.”
11. Invalidating Your Identity or Beliefs
Toxic parents often struggle to accept anything that doesn’t match their own worldview. Whether it’s your values, interests, religion, lifestyle, or even career path — they dismiss it like it’s a phase or rebellion. Instead of trying to understand where you’re coming from, they try to shut it down or mock it.
This kind of invalidation can make you feel unseen in your own home, like you’re constantly fighting just to be yourself.
For example:
- “You’re not that kind of person, so stop pretending.”
- “This isn’t how we raise you, or this kind of thinking is pure nonsense.”
12. Creating Drama Out of Small Things
Toxic parents often blow minor issues way out of proportion. A small disagreement turns into a full-blown argument, and a simple request becomes a personal attack. Instead of calmly talking things through, they react with anger, guilt, or emotional outbursts that leave you overwhelmed and confused.
It becomes exhausting, because you constantly have to filter your words or walk on eggshells just to avoid setting them off.
For example:
- “So now you don’t even care enough to call me every day?”
- “You forgot to tell me about that plan? What else are you hiding from me?”
13. Making You Feel Like You Owe Them Your Life
Some parents make it seem like raising you was a sacrifice you must repay for the rest of your life. Instead of offering love freely, they use everything they’ve ever done for you as leverage. They would remind you constantly of the things they gave up and expect lifelong obedience in return. It’s is their way of controlling you, which is disguised as care.
You feel guilty for choosing your own path, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
For example:
- “I gave up everything for you, and this is how you repay me?”
- “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be where you are today.”
RELATED READING: 7-phrases-you-should-never-say-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-instead
Final Thoughts:
Recognizing toxic parenting doesn’t mean you don’t love or respect your parents. It simply means you’re becoming aware of unhealthy patterns that may have affected you for years. A lot of parents don’t even realize the damage they cause — but that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.
You’re allowed to speak up, step back when things feel heavy, set healthy boundaries, and choose what’s healthy for you, even if it’s hard.