Parenting isn’t as easy as it looks on the internet. Behind the curated photos and cheerful videos lies a tough, ongoing job that demands patience, presence, and emotional strength. Parents are more than caregivers. They are living role models with the enormous task of shaping their child’s personality, confidence, and emotional well-being.
Even though most of us understand how deeply words can affect children, it’s still easy to lose our cool in moments of stress. And it’s not just parents. Teachers, babysitters, and caregivers all play a part. Sometimes, phrases that seem harmless to adults can leave a lasting negative impact on a child’s mind and sense of self.
That is why it’s so important to be mindful of what we say, especially during the challenging moments. Today, we’re talking about a few common phrases that might seem harmless on the surface but can quietly damage a child’s self-esteem and emotional growth. Many of us say these things without thinking — often out of habit, frustration, or because we heard them growing up.
But with a little more awareness, we can replace them with words that support, guide, and uplift instead of hurt. So, let’s get started.
1. “You’re in Trouble”
This is a very common phrase that many parents say when their child does something even slightly mischievous. Although it might seem harmless (I mean, how much trouble can a loving parent actually give to their kids?), it can still have unintended effects.
What we often don’t realize is that saying this kind of thing when a child misbehaves or refuses to listen can create fear and anxiety. It makes them feel scared instead of helping them understand what went wrong. This approach focuses on punishment rather than learning, and over time, children might become stubborn or resistant as a way to protect themselves.
What to say instead:
“I see this is upsetting you. Let’s talk about it.”
This validates their feelings and opens the door for calm communication.
2. “Are You Dumb?”
This one is outright damaging because it attacks a child’s intelligence and self-worth. The way we speak to our kids shapes both their inner world and how they face the world around them. Our voices often become their inner voices, influencing how they think, feel, and speak to themselves.
Children are always listening, noticing, and absorbing everything around them. They are still in the process of developing — emotionally, mentally, and socially — so the words we use, especially during stressful moments, carry a lasting impact. That’s why every adult who interacts with children needs to be mindful of both their words and actions.
Saying things like “Are you dumb?” or “Why are you being so annoying right now?” might come out in frustration, but they can deeply affect a child’s confidence and sense of self.
What to Say Instead:
“Let’s figure this out together. Do you want me to help you understand it better?”
This shows support and encourages learning instead of shame.
3. “You’re Making Me Angry”
How many of you use this phrase when your child refuses to finish their lunch, won’t stop watching TV to do their homework, or keeps asking for snacks while you’re just trying to get them to eat something healthy? Most of us have said it at some point because, let’s admit, we’re human, and there’s only so much patience we have.
Phrases like “Stop it, I’m reaching my limit” or “I’m going to be really mad if you don’t listen” may come out of frustration, but they shift the burden of adult emotions onto the child. This makes them feel responsible for your mood, which can lead to guilt, confusion, or fear.
Child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham explains that children are still learning how to regulate their own emotions and behavior. When adults lose control and blame the child for it, it teaches the child to suppress their own feelings instead of understanding them.
What to Say Instead:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. Let’s take a break and talk about this calmly.”
This models emotional regulation and teaches kids that it’s okay to feel things, but also how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.
4. “Stop Talking to Me, Go Away!”
There is no denying that parents are constantly juggling multiple responsibilities all at once and then some more on top of that. So it is super easy (and honestly natural) to lose your cool and snap at the people closest to you.
Children are usually the most vulnerable in those moments. Maybe you are angry about something and shout at your kids. Or you are upset because of something that happened at work and end up taking it out on them.
Sometimes you do what you can. You either scold your kids or tell them to go away and leave you alone.
When you are exhausted or emotionally overwhelmed, it is easy to blurt things out. But for a child, being dismissed like that can feel like rejection.
It sends the message that their voice does not matter and that their feelings are a burden.
What to Say Instead:
“I need a little quiet time right now, but I will talk to you in a few minutes.“
This sets a boundary without pushing them away emotionally.
OR
“I am feeling really tired at the moment. Can we take a short break and talk again soon?“
This teaches healthy ways to ask for space while still valuing the child’s need for connection.
5. Why Are You So Stubborn? What’s Wrong With You?
Sometimes, kids act up and start being stubborn or difficult. It could be for many reasons; maybe they are having a tough time at school with their studies or friends, or it is just a phase where they are trying out new behaviors and acting differently out of nowhere.
They might stop listening to their parents’ instructions or become resistant. This kind of behavior is normal as children grow and try to figure things out.
So, what is the natural reaction for parents? You might think shouting, constantly scolding, or punishing them will teach them a lesson and bring them back to normal. But that usually does not work; it often makes things worse.
Psychologically, kids sometimes act this way because they are struggling to express emotions they do not fully understand or control yet. They may feel overwhelmed, confused, or unheard, and their stubbornness is a way of coping or testing boundaries.
That is why phrases like “Why are you so stubborn? What is wrong with you?” can feel very hurtful and confusing to a child. It labels them negatively and makes them feel like there is something wrong with who they are.
When children hear questions like these, they may start doubting themselves or feeling ashamed simply for expressing their needs or opinions.
What to Say Instead:
Try to stay calm and ask questions that show you want to understand their feelings. For example:
“I can see you are upset. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
OR
“Let’s figure out what’s bothering you so we can fix it together.”
This helps them feel heard and supported instead of feeling like they’re being judged by you or, worse, rejected. It also encourages problem-solving rather than fueling resistance or hurt feelings.
6. “Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother, Sister, or That Other Kid?”
This is what almost all parents consider “very normal” — comparing their child with siblings, cousins, friends, or even other random kids on TV. Many parents do this thinking they’re encouraging their child to do better, just like other kids. But they don’t realize that this kind of comparison can seriously damage a child’s self-esteem and make them feel like they are never good enough.
Every child is unique, with their own strengths, struggles, and pace of growth. When you say things like this, it sends the message that they are less valuable and will only be loved if they meet certain expectations.
Many times, children become obsessed with competing with others or even build resentment toward their siblings. They can also become extremely underconfident, feeling that no matter what they do, it will never be enough.
Unhealthy comparisons create feelings of jealousy, resentment, or low self-worth. Children might start believing they have to compete for your approval instead of feeling safe and accepted for who they are.
What to Say Instead:
Focus on your child’s individual progress and efforts. Try saying:
“I’m proud of how hard you are trying.”
OR
“Every kid is different, and you’re unique in your own way. That’s something to be proud of.”
7. “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal”
This is something many of us say automatically, without realizing how it might come across. But to a child, the moment they’re crying, it is a big deal. Whether they lost a toy, got hurt, or felt left out, their emotions are real, even if the reason doesn’t seem serious to an adult.
Saying “stop crying” dismisses their feelings and teaches them that expressing emotions is wrong or embarrassing. And the worst part? Your child might actually stop sharing how they feel altogether. They’ll start bottling up emotions because they think it won’t matter — or worse, that they’ll be judged for it.
How many emotionless adults do we come across in our daily lives? Plenty, right? People who won’t express happiness, sadness, empathy, or even love. Anger? Maybe.
This often stems from childhood when kids weren’t encouraged or appreciated for expressing their feelings. Instead, they were shushed or shamed.
Phrases like “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal” or “Why do you always have to be so dramatic?” are just a few classic examples of how adults unknowingly suppress a child’s emotional growth and make them feel embarrassed for simply feeling something.
What to Say Instead:
Instead of shutting them down, try something simple like:
“I can see you’re really upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
OR
“It’s okay to cry. I’m here for you.”
These kinds of responses show your child that their feelings are valid. It helps them feel safe to express themselves without shame, and that’s how they learn to understand and process their emotions in a healthy way.
Final Thoughts:
No parent is perfect. We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. But small changes in the way we speak can make a big difference in how our children see themselves and the world around them. It’s not about being right all the time, just about being a little more mindful, a little more kind.