Friendship isn’t just a sweet word — it’s a whole feeling. It instantly brings to mind the beautiful, precious bond you share with people who aren’t tied to you by blood or law, but by heart. These are the ones you laugh with, lean on, and feel safe around.
But sometimes, the very friendships that are supposed to be your comfort zone start to feel heavy, negative, and emotionally draining.
Today, we’re talking about toxic friends — what their friendship really looks like and why it’s important to notice the signs early. Some red flags aren’t always loud or obvious. They’re subtle but strong enough to affect your peace over time.
If you’ve ever felt confused, guilty, or exhausted in a friendship, this might help you see things more clearly and reflect on the kind of people you allow into your life.
What Exactly is Toxic Friendship?
Not every rough patch in a friendship means it’s toxic. But when a pattern starts to form where you constantly feel drained, hurt, or insignificant around someone, it’s a sign something isn’t right. A toxic friendship doesn’t always look loud or dramatic on the exterior. In fact, it often hides behind fake support, half-hearted check-ins, or rude remarks disguised as jokes.
Common signs of a toxic friendship:
- It revolves around their needs, because selfish friends rarely show up when you need them.
- It makes you doubt yourself, especially when gaslighting turns your feelings into a joke.
- It avoids honest conversations, because toxic friends fear accountability more than conflict.
- It feels one-sided, with you always texting first, planning things, or keeping the bond alive.
- It leaves you hurt after compliments, because backhanded praise is just hidden criticism.
- It turns your wins into threats, as jealousy and silent competition replace real support.
- It never leads to growth, because toxic friends deflect blame and never reflect on their behavior.
Here are some of the red flags in a friendship that shouldn’t be brushed off:
1. They take too many favors without ever returning the effort
How many of you are friends with people who never hesitate to ask for favors, and it happens quite often — like every other day, they need something from you? However, they are never quite available or able to “make it” when you need something from them.
If this sounds familiar, you need to think. Friendship, like all other relationships, is a two-way street, and it works on both give and take. While I admire people who go out of their way to do something for their friends, family, and others they’re close to, if the effort is not properly reciprocated or, worse, never returned, one must evaluate the situation and take wise steps forward.
Ask yourself: are they doing the same for you? Can you rely on them in the hour of need? Or do you always get an apology hours later when you no longer need them? Remember, true friendship is about balance and respect, not just convenience.
2. They secretly compete with you
Your friends are supposed to be your biggest cheerleaders and passionate well-wishers. A good friend is the one who claps the loudest when you win at something or flourish, and even if you don’t, they root for you just for making the effort.
But if you have a friend who doesn’t appreciate you properly and also tries to one-up you every time you hit a milestone, no matter how small, that’s a red flag.
It doesn’t even have to be a big achievement; it could be something as minor as someone complimenting your dress, and suddenly, they’re talking about how expensive their outfit is. Or, in a worst-case scenario, they make a remark like, “It’s pretty, but it could have looked better if…”
You see, these kinds of comments where they can’t even show you their genuine and full support without slipping in a hint of competition or criticism say a lot about how they feel about you and the bond overall.
When someone genuinely cares about you, they don’t say such mean things. They uplift your spirits even if you don’t do or look perfect.
3. They give shallow compliments
People who don’t know how to give thoughtful and well-meaning compliments really put me off, especially when it’s a friend who does that. As I’ve already said, a friend is someone who’s there for you through thick and thin and doesn’t think twice before hyping you up, no matter what the situation is.
Now, if your friend or best friend doesn’t offer kind, proper, and wholesome compliments when you put extra effort into getting ready, wearing a new outfit, acing your job interview, or getting engaged (and the list goes on), what sort of friend are they?
Let me tell you, it’s the sort that can’t stand seeing you accomplish good things in life or being blessed. Try to stay away from such people, because they’re not true friends. They’re just insecure individuals masking envy as friendship.
4. Their jokes are mostly ‘insensitive’
I cannot stress enough the difference between a joke and a mean comment disguised as one. Many people either fail to understand the difference, or worse, they do it on purpose. And then there are those who don’t know where to draw the line.
Take this as an example: you’re feeling good about yourself after a haircut or weight loss, and instead of saying something nice, your friend blurts out, “Finally! You were starting to look like an ugly mess.” Everyone laughs, but you’re left feeling weirdly hurt. That’s not a joke — it’s a dig wrapped in sarcasm.
A friend who regularly makes these “jokes” at your expense isn’t funny; they’re just disrespectful, and this negative behavior should not be normalized. People need to understand that ‘mean’ is not the new ‘cool’ — it’s wrong and outright pathetic. Especially when it’s a friend who makes you feel bad and then tries to lighten the mood by saying they were just joking.
If you have anybody like that in your friend circle, know that they are exhibiting one of the most important red flags in friendship, and maybe it’s time to draw a line.
5. They violate your boundaries repeatedly
People who love you must respect you first. Otherwise, it’s not love, just a bond built on attraction, need, or spontaneity. When it comes to friendships, the concept of personal space and boundaries is just as important as in any other relationship.
A good friend has their own boundaries and also respects yours. They understand how these limits are essential for a healthy dynamic and a long-lasting bond.
I cut ties with a friend who used to show up at my house and honk until I got outside, every single time. Now, it may sound like a normal thing to some who think it’s not a big deal or maybe assume I made them wait for long, which is probably why they did that. But no, they simply weren’t wired to wait and be patient.
For me, it was a violation of my space and comfort. Nonstop honking outside someone’s house after being told to wait a minute or pulling up and immediately honking to call someone out while knowing their whole family is inside — that’s not just rude, it’s profoundly disrespectful.
That’s when boundaries stop being a preference and become a necessity.
6. They treat the friendship like a transaction
You know the kind of people who only show up when they need something from you? That’s what a transactional friendship feels like. It’s like they’re keeping a secret scorecard in their head. They do things only when there’s something in it for them.
If you call them just to talk or hang out with no agenda, they don’t really seem interested. But the minute they need a favour, emotional support, or even help with something as random as finding a job lead or proofreading their resume, they magically appear and act all friendly again.
Friendship should never feel like a business deal. If your connection only works when there’s an exchange involved, for example, they only check in when they need a ride, money, or advice, it’s not genuine. Real friends are present even when there’s nothing to gain.
7. They always want things their way
Friendship is about meeting halfway, understanding each other, and making space for both people’s opinions and choices. But some friends just can’t handle that. They want to pick the restaurant every time, decide what plan works best for them, choose the movie, the time, the place, and if it’s not their way, suddenly they’re upset or acting cold.
See, it’s not about small preferences. It’s about control. These are the kind of people who rarely compromise and always expect you to adjust. They always want you to agree with them, and as a result, you end up walking on eggshells or changing your own plans just to avoid an argument.
Big red flag, and extremely exhausting for the one dealing with such a controlling friend who doesn’t know how to compromise.
If someone always demands that everything goes according to them, without ever asking or caring about what you want, it shows that they care only about themselves and the friendship doesn’t really matter to them.
8. They twist your words and play the victim
Ever tried explaining something to a friend and somehow ended up being the bad guy in their version of the story? That’s what I’m talking about. You say something simple, maybe even with good intention, and suddenly it’s flipped, exaggerated, or misunderstood, and now you’re the one who has to apologize or explain yourself.
These kinds of friends have a habit of turning every situation into a pity party where they’re always the one who got hurt. It becomes emotionally exhausting because you’re constantly defending yourself when you didn’t even do anything wrong. That’s not communication, that’s manipulation.
For instance, your friend asks what you think of their boyfriend, and you honestly say you’re not a fan. Instead of handling it maturely by explaining their side or simply accepting your opinion, they get defensive and pick a fight. This actually happened to me, and the worst part was they ended up crying and accusing me of being jealous of their relationship.
Some people just love playing the victim in every situation, no matter how gently or honestly you speak. It’s always about how you wronged them, never about what actually happened.
Conclusion:
At the end of the day, friendship is about respect and care. If you find yourself feeling hurt, drained, or unvalued more than supported, it’s okay to step back. True friends lift you up, not weigh you down. Trust yourself and choose the people who make your life better.